I have found that the moment of truth comes when you open the box and what you have just purchased comes falling out in one million unidentifiable pieces accompanied by a manual that gives instructions on building the Erie Canal.Just how in God’s name do they expect you to put together this office chair absent a dual degree in mechanical engineering and construction management, not to mention a screwdriver, which you accidentally threw out with the leftover pizza you weren’t supposed to be eating?
The answer is this: become the Zen Anti-Jane.
Cultivating Zen qualities while you’re in the process of doing this project depends on accepting The Four Noble Office Chair Assembly Truths:
1. Assembling an office chair involves suffering.
When you take all the parts of the office chair out of their plastic covers and arrange them in an orderly fashion on the floor around you, it is inevitable that you will be overcome with the intense urge to take said parts and throw them out of your office window. That’s because assembling an office chair at home is usually a prelude to some really awful activity like doing job-related work or diving into Moby Dick, which you promised yourself you would read before you turned 50.
2. The source of suffering is attachment to your old office chair. Of course you
have fond memories of your old office chair–the one that was reduced to black thread and pieces of foam because your cat used it as a scratching post. But you’ve got to come to terms with the fact that office chairs do not last forever—like common sense in Washington–they are transient entities–so clinging to them inevitably leads to disappointment, especially if the sanitation department is trying to remove them while you are clinging to them.
3. The end of suffering is achievable.
You can end suffering by calling on office chair assembly reinforcements– like the friend who reminds you that last time you attempted to save time and money– by installing solar panels–you wound up without a roof for two weeks. Another word for the end of suffering is Nirvana. If this concept seems difficult to grasp, it is only because Nirvana broke up amidst tragedy in the 90s.
4. There is a specific path to the end of suffering.
Similar to the Yellow Brick Road that Dorothy followed, there is a gradual path to peace of mind, though it usually involves cobblestone, which can be expensive. The self-empowerment community believes following The Eightfold Path ultimately leads to fulfillment and a lucrative secondary career as a dog groomer who specializes in goldendoodles.
Once you have accepted these Four Noble Truths, you will be ready to tackle any home office chair assembly project, even those which come with instruction manuals to build canals.
